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6 Reasons Why Dark Chocolate Is Better Than Milk Chocolate

I recently read a well-written and hilarious, yet completely misguided and, dare I say, inaccurate article touting the superiority of milk chocolate over dark chocolate. To sum it up, the author centers most of her opening argument around Halloween candy and the Hershey’s mini bag, then goes on to state “facts” that she believes support her point.

There seems to have been some seasonally appropriate debate over the order in which people eat the varieties of chocolate in the Hershey’s mini bag. My question: why is anyone even eating this waxy candy that can hardly be called chocolate in the first place? Did they not give them all away to disappointed little trick-or-treaters, just to see them cry? Come to think of it, why would people even give such a sorry excuse for chocolate away unless they actually wanted their yard TPed?

“Here’s a mini Mr. Goodbar, have fun egging my house.”

I would say something about the size, but in this case, less is definitely more… Although, I can honestly admit to eating out of said bag a time or two. And for what it’s worth, the order I care for goes something like this:

  1. Krackle (it has Rice Krispies in it, duh!)
  2. “Special” Dark (if you can even call that dark chocolate)
  3. Next time it rains and I don’t want to go to the store: Plain (it’s really not that bad in a pinch)
  4. One year later when my Uber just left and there’s nothing else in the house to eat: Mr. Goodbar

I mean, really, what kind of a cheap-a** puts peanuts in chocolate?

So, because I’m tired of politics and would currently rather engage in “choco-partisanship,” here are the absolute facts on why Dark Chocolate Is Better Than Milk Chocolate Forever To Infinity, THE END.

1) Dark Chocolate Is More, Well, Chocolate

Dark chocolate has more real cocoa than milk chocolate, but it also comes in a range of cocoa/cocoa butter/sugar ratios, so it doesn’t have to be bitter, silly heads!

Take it from SF Gate.

Dark chocolate inherently has more original cocoa present, but even dark chocolate comes in a variety of cocoa concentrations. Dark chocolate bars have anywhere between 35 percent cocoa content—cocoa solids with cocoa butter—and up to 100 percent cocoa—unsweetened chocolate without other ingredients or additives.

2) Milk Chocolate Is Gross

Milk chocolate is basically chocolate with powdered milk and extra sugar. So milk chocolate is for people who don’t really like the taste of chocolate. And if you don’t like the taste of chocolate, you have no right to rate chocolate. Mmmkay?

3) Dark Chocolate Is Good for You, Milk Chocolate Is Not

Who can’t agree with “America’s most trusted culinary resource since 1997,” What’s Cooking America?

Dark chocolate—not white chocolate or milk chocolate—is good for you… Eating 2 ounces (50 grams) a day of plain chocolate with a minimum content of 70% chocolate solids can be beneficial to health, providing protection against heart disease, high blood pressure, and many other health hazards.

Need I say more?

4) Milk Chocolate Causes Anxiety

At least it doesn’t help, and if you’re not helping, you’re basically causing anxiety and stress by your very existence. But dark chocolate does help. And this has been known for awhile now… At least since 2011, according to NBC.

According to new findings published in the Journal of Proteome Research, eating a few pieces of dark chocolate when you’re feeling on edge can help calm your nerves. (Unfortunately for you milk chocolate lovers, the researchers believe the flavonoids in dark chocolate are responsible for this soothing effect.) In the study, stressed-out participants who ate 1 ½ ounces of dark chocolate a day for 2 weeks had reduced levels of stress hormones. We can’t think of a better way to treat yourself to some dessert, guilt-and stress-free!


5) Dark Chocolate Releases Endorphins

I’ve got the one-and-only Reader’s Digest to back me on this one.

Dark chocolate stimulates the production of endorphins, chemicals in the brain that bring on feelings of pleasure. It also contains the chemical serotonin, which acts as an anti-depressant.

Can milk chocolate do that for you? I didn’t think so. Just get ready for one hell of a sugar rush (and impending crash). A little diabetes for dessert, perhaps?

6) Milk Chocolate Is Trying Too Hard

Milk chocolate wants people to like it and therefore tries to disguise the very essence of its nature. It says, “Look at me, I’m chocolate (but only if you want me to be). Just kidding (I’ll be anything you want me to be). But seriously. I’m chocolate?”

Dark chocolate doesn’t care. Dark chocolate was dark chocolate before it was cool. And it’s not sorry.

So really, why are we having this argument?

7) At Least Milk Chocolate Isn’t White Chocolate

I’m happy to say that we can at least agree on one thing: white chocolate isn’t even chocolate.

White chocolate doesn’t qualify as genuine chocolate because it doesn’t contain chocolate solids (a.k.a. cocoa powder). White chocolate is typically made from a blend of cocoa butter, milk solids, sugar, milk fat and lecithin—a fatty emulsifier that holds it all together.

Thanks, Huffington Post.

At the end of the day, I’d rather have diluted, over-sweetened chocolate that’s trying too hard and stresses me out than none at all. But I’d much prefer a bourgeois, fair trade, organic, raw dark chocolate bar made with Ghanaian cacao, Piedmontese hazelnuts, pink Himalayan salt that’s matured for 250 million years, and perhaps a bit of saffron, hand-harvested by seven Spanish virgins under the light of a full moon, thank-you-very-much.